This morning I feel that a great deal of tension has gone. I may be deluding myself as I have no idea of what is beneath the dressing or how I will react when I see it. But, for today, I can be glad that the anticipation, which has been so all consuming, is over .
It's done and what tomorrow brings can wait, for this brief moment of time.
Reaching a diagnosis of a bcc seemed one of chance and circumstance. I was talking to a friend who had had some lesions removed from her face and was the waiting for the results of a biopsy from a mark on her face .
I had been aware for a long while of a small spot below my nose, to the right of my lip.It bled intermittently but was so small and seemingly innocuous and covered up with concealer, mostly I could ignore it. After the chat with my friend I decided to mention it to my GP .I might have done it sooner but, at this stage in life there always seems to be some fresh medical issue to raise, and I relegated my spot to the bottom of the list each time. Ridiculously, I didn't want to be written off as a middle aged hypochondriac! Mistake.
She diagnosed it as a bcc on a Tuesday and by the Wednesday I was meeting Mr Hussain, the Consultant Specialist in this field, at Nuffied Leeds. He too felt it was a bcc and organised a biopsy for the next Tuesday. Although he explained the possible ramifications , my mind clung to the hope that it was nothing, just sun damage.
The results of the biopsy felled me and Mt Hussain's patient explanation was lost. Pushed out by the weakening sensation of all my body and a rushing sound in my ears. The low howling sound,so distracting to the process,was, it turned out, me !
My Husband tried to usher me from the room but I could move. Shock and horror mixed with snot and tears as I tried to digest the diagrams of where my scar would be. I wanted to rewind . 20minutes ago this wasn't true, this wasn't my life ,there was a mistake. This was not me. I'm busy. It's not fair. Why me ? I haven't sunbathed for years ? What did I do to deserve it? Am I too vain and this is a punishment?? All these thoughts whirling round my brain whilst I listen and dismiss chemotherapy and angle for the earliest operation date.
The intervening weeks have been some of the hardest in my life. Maintaining an outward show of composure but on the inside the desperate maelstrom of Top Withens.
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