Anticipation

One of  hardest parts of this entire process has been the anticipation - of the extent of the tumour, the consequent extent of the surgery, the degree of my response to the visual effect of it. I have been terrified and there have been many times so far ( and no doubt in the future ) when I have wept for the pity of it all.

I have tried to hold on to what I ended up calling the Two Pillars of Comfort. The first being, of course that a basal cell carcinoma is non malignant and that, with treatment it will not spread to other organs of the body. A 'lucky ' cancer as the Nurse said, although it didn't seem very lucky at the time.

The Second Pillar is my Surgeon himself - Mr Walyat Hussain who my GP described as The King of Facial BCCs. The MOHS technology he uses and his extensive and impressive experience means I could not ask for a better person to work on my face.

My face. That's the real crux of the terror. One's face is one's identity no matter how other worldly we pretend to be, talking of the inner self, the value of a good soul , the transforming power of wit, humour , kindness. Your face is the World's first perception of you as an entity. All sorts of assumptions are made on its basis. It might be wrong , it might be misguided - and how many times have we been proved wrong in our judgement of others led only by our gut reaction to their appearance? Still. An entire literary tradition flourished on the correlation between outer and inner beauty and, truth be told, Petrach's ideals, still hold true.

So, this facial bcc is complicated, psychologically , by the insidious conviction that one should not complain too much - for God's sake it won't kill you - and the mournful voice of your Senses which grieves for this part of you which is your first defence, your armour against the world.

During the weeks of waiting for the operation, each time I applied my make up, my face, tears filled my eyes. Trying to fix my visage, as is, in my mind, in case , post op, I don't recognise my real self again. I took hundreds of photographs and took every opportunity to be out. I visited a good friend in London, packing every moment and secretly gauging the response I triggered in others . Self absorbed ? Definitely , but maybe you could indulge me ? It was like imagining saying goodbye to a friend , agreeing to be another person ( to a greater or lesser degree) but never having set eyes on them. Knowing they would be LIKE you but less so .Patched up.