3 Months Post Op

It is 3 months  to the day since I had the basal cell carcinoma removed.  What seemed as though it would be the end of myself as I knew me has not, in fact, turned out that way at all. I do have a scar, as you can see but it is one which is fading and which I am beginning to assimilate into my image of myself. It is no longer the violent, demanding, scribble, but a patiently waiting ghost which, although still needs my care, I can administer to with tolerance and some kindness.



Picture with no make up. Face to the window, in full light.

 

The sadness is still there. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I'd rather not be the woman with the scar ' you can barely see' , the topic of comment or scrutiny but , ultimately I guess, one has to resign oneself to the situation as it is, And it could have been so much worse. No, turn that around. Considering what needed to be done, what I have been saved from, what you need to be saved from, it is AMAZING. 

The scar itself, with concealer is barely visible but I have 2 very very small breaks in the skin, scratches really, which smart if I put any foundation on so, unless it really matters, I leave it off.


Picture with a small amount of foundation. But angled close to the light for "worst possible " look!

 

I have also found that the Dermatix irritates those areas and that I have broken veins around the scar which in some ways, on my most fussy and ungrateful days, upset me more than the scar. I know that there are procedures , later , which can correct this but, I'm not sure my pockets are that deep. Yet. I always have a plan. I apply the Dermatix with a cotton bud only to the scar itself now, avoiding any other skin.

The only other thing I wanted to say is that getting over this op and reconciling to the new you is very much like the grieving process. And I do speak from experience. It occurred to me that, after a certain period of time other people lose patience with you referencing your loss. They want you to be feeling better about this, to move on, to be positive and not to mention the days when you are unhappy about the way things look and the way things were. They do not want to listen to you rehearse the way you felt when you heard your diagnosis , when the stitches came out, whatever. Those details we hang onto when we lose someone and, in a similar way, I suggest, they are important to us in this situation. There isn't a solution. Just recognising the pattern made me feel a little better.

 

Oh, I've got maudlin. I'll stop. I hope you are encouraged by the photos. I just wish they were a better quality.  The last, last thing, when you're caught up in this, as you so rightly will be, is that, just as you're focussing on you, someone else will need you. With a bigger problem. And, because you  must, there is no choice, you will forget yourself, and haul youself off to the rescue. You can't even enjoy a basal cell carnonoma in peace !


Happy Picture. At a distance, it really is hard to tell.

 

Today Weds 30th Nov

Some photos of the scar progressing .

The Scar during the 7th week

At the end of the 6 th week I had been brewing a hideous , yellow spot, bang in the middle of the scar line. It was yellow and raised and the kind of pustule one might find in a joke shop on the front in Scarborough, nestling amongst the plastic, curling, doggy doo. Horrible and depressing. It took all my self discipline not to squeeze it and, eventually it did subside, although it has left a red mark. I now know that I should have gone to see Dr Hussain. At my recent appointment ( I write this retrospectively ) he told me he would have lanced it with a sterile needle and he gave me two, in case it filled again. 

This second picture is taken 5 days after the first, just over 7 weeks after the op, and you can see that it has gone down.Thank heavens. In that time I had been rather busy on the face front though. I'm deliberating whether to share this but.... whatever, I am who I am, and I won't judge  if you don't ! Anyway... I had some Botox . No point being wrinkly and scarred was my thinking and I'm afraid that the anxiety of all the preceding weeks had taken a toll and whoever gave the name ' laughter lines ' was seriously deluded, at least in my case , as I hadn't so much as cracked a smile in weeks , but unfortunately my face didn't seem to care about that- it was concertinering up like a good ' un. 

I saw the serene and Royal Highness of all things Aesthetic , Dr Julia Sevi in Leeds and, just talking to her, immediately felt better. 

Dr Julia suggested a course of LED Phototherapy which amongst many things magical ( increased hydration, advanced anti aging, reducing pigmentation, soothing redness and pigmentation ), also promises scar reduction and prevention. I really, really can't afford it but I felt I really really couldn't afford not to . I have vowed to work as many hours as possible and and and I've run out of justification. £350 for 8 20 minute sessions under a light. Pleeeese say you can see the results. That it's not just my bank balance which is lighter, but my scar too! Well, we will soon see.

 

Any improvement ??

Quick trip to town at nearly 8 weeks .

5 1/2 weeks plus - back to work and out to Dinner.

I apologise for the delay in filling you on. The photos were taken but the instrument to translate them had gone ( child ) so I couldn't progress and I didn't think you'd want to hear from me without the pictures. Indeed it occurs to me that you might never read the text at all but flick straight to the illustrations - a kind of surgical 'Readers Wives' ! Anyway, truth be told, I'm writing this retrospectively . At just over 8 weeks and the view is even better from here but I do, of course, need to plot my journey, for both of us.

The first couple of photos were taken on the day before I returned to School for the morning. I was concerned that I'd volunteered to go back too soon and I did feel very emotional, welling up with tears in the face of the warm welcome and encouraging words I received. I pointed out my scar to everyone I encountered. The tension inside me, wondering what they were thinking, was too great not to. Another person might have handled things differently, perhaps with dignified silence, not inviting comment, but I know myself and the opinion of others, their validation mattered.

I had covered the scar with the M&S Amazing Concealer but , honestly, it was still too sore , and before long I'd rubbed it off, preferring the emollient properties of Vaseline. It was a good day. I was quietly proud of myself for getting back in the saddle and putting my face back on but I have to say, it was exhausting . I guess a major triumph was the fact that not one child mentioned my scar .And believe me, if they had noticed, they would certainly have made comment. Pretty good for just over 5 weeks.

It was one thing to brave a class of 5 year olds, quite another to make Parents Evening for my 15 year  old that night. My husband went as by 5 o' clock my courage had left me along with my energy.

These last 3 photos are taken on Saturday 12th November , almost 6 weeks after the operation. No make up and looking a bit sorry for myself but the scar itself has begun to flatten by this stage and the lump in my lip, presumably where the stitch has yet to dissolve , has reduced somewhat. I feel less clumsy eating now and in  just a few days the skin over the scar can tolerate foundation and concealer. 

To celebrate we go out to dinner - to Rudding Park. It's the first time I have felt like bothering to make the effort and genuinely believed that no one would know what I'd had done unless they truly scrutinised me. I don't have full sensation back in my cheek , lip or the side of my nose, but the mobility is back and, as my dear old Dad would say, feel almost human !

5 Weeks Post Op

These photos were taken on Saturday morning , so not quite 5 weeks after the procedure. I decided to have a play with the concealer around the edges but something still shrinks from covering the scar itself with that product - it feels too heavy duty - so I just used some Clinique Foundation.  It's still noticeable, for sure, but , unless I deceive myself, it's not all THAT noticeable, at a distance.

I am feeling guilty, again, for not being pleased, for not being grateful, but I'm afraid my thoughts still slip back into the ' I don't like it ', 'It's not fair ' mode. I want to wake up and be me again , when my first thought is not my face and my first  action is not to leap up and look at it in the mirror.

I'm obviously pleased when friends and family comment that it's doing well but am wildly irritated to hear them  say that it's ' barely noticeable '. ' hardly anything', that ' you'd never know ' . Try it on your own face and then see how blasé you feel ! Actually, I think they are losing patience with me. The allotted time for sympathy is clearly up and they've moved on from " Be nice to Mum, a horrid thing has happened ". So, sorry, but my only outlet is here , thus revealing myself as a not very nice, and very self indulgent person.

 

In a fit of positivity - and I am mostly positive, it's just more therapeutic to write when feeling down -   I contacted School to say that I felt ready to return . I do a bit of supply work as a TA in a lovely Primary School and , after meeting one of my colleagues, whose company I miss, I decided I was up to it. Only I'm not sure anymore. I am still very wobbly when meeting friends and acquaintances who haven't seen me since the operation. I want to be upbeat, but my eyes keep forgetting the plan, and start leaking !! Anyway , Thursday it is, and I won't give back word, so I'd better get my story straight and start thinking more Helen Keller less Cowardly Lion !! Actually, when you think of it, there's not a single disadvantaged ( let's call it ) character in fiction who isn't portrayed as feisty and brave is there ? No one would want to read about a miserable one would they ? There's a thought . No wonder it's a strain to keep cheerful, knowing a hardy and sanguine outlook is the very minimum required !

I bet you're thinking ' Jeez ' , get over yourself. I will. I am. Just venting . 

Reporting back on the Dermatix. I've not had a reaction to it but , for massaging, I still prefer Vaseline, which then has to be removed before I put the Dermatix on. I'm doing the facial exercises but, despite reassurances from Dr H, I'm terrified that I'm stretching the scar. Also the scar is stinging more recently which puts me off disturbing it . I dare not disobey orders though, so plough on.

Well, apologies for the misery fest. I'm blaming it on it being Monday. 

Random Recommendations !

Just a quickie because I want to post my most recent photos to try and reassure a reader of the blog who I have talked to on the Macmillan forum and who is due to have her BCC removed very shortly. Like me and probably like all of us , as the date approaches her anxiety has increased. Sandra, this is for you. 

On the recommendation of a friend  and that of the Beauty Correspondent with The Times, I bought this Amazing Concealer. A somewhat hubris laden name but, in this case, it is , actually rather good. I bought mine from M&S ( with 20% off with my Sparks card ) . It did cover my scar really well and I'm sure that I will use it in a week or two ( at £29.50 for 15ml damn right I will ) but, frankly, at the moment, at only 4 weeks, my skin still feels too sensitive to wear this all the time.  There is a 6 ml tube for £19.50 which I should perhaps have bought before leaping in with the big investment but.. I'm that kind of girl. All or nothing ! It will do for under my eyes until such time as my wound can take it. The picture in the leopard print coat shows me wearing it and, although I appreciate its at a distance, I do think you would struggle to see anything going on on my face.

For most  of my adult life I have used sunscreen. Ironic . And unfair. Even before my diagnosis I wore an SPF under my moisturiser but many are heavy or chalky, leaving a sticky , white residue. I've tried loads. I like Kiels Factor 50 sunscreen which doesn't affect your foundation . The make I'm using at the moment and which I truly love - light and silky - is FREZYDERM SECOND SKIN FACTOR 50. It's not cheap - around £20 but I bought a tube which I used , constantly , for a 2 week holiday in Greece in August, and virtually every day since and I've still got loads left.

 

Finally, a picture of me with the Amazing Concealer on before going out on Wednesday. I actually took it off not long after but you can see that it is effective.

 

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Confidence

Despite all my positive self talk, this thing is affecting my confidence. I thought that, by now, I would have got over my urgent  preference to have someone with me when I venture out but, if anything, the feeling has gathered momentum. It hasn't yet stopped me going out solo but, if I don't get a grip, I fear it might.

It's not so bad in less populated places but, in Town today, I was overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked I saw reflections of myself. Multiple reproductions  of a weary looking woman with a big red mark on her face. Was I imagining it or did one Man's head whip round like a Halloween Ghoul , better to gawp ? I wanted to cry.

In Zara I spotted a ' frienemy' flicking through the rails. The shot of electricity which thrilled  through me, right to my fingers ends, took minutes to subside as I hastily retreated to the safety of next doors H&M. I felt diminished, exposed, reduced. Not myself. I don't like it. I am finding it hard to meet the eye of Shop Assistants and, on the occasions I do meet someone I know, I feel compelled to draw attention to my face almost immediately . It's like getting the first punch in.

Are you wondering how I can be saying this when the previous blog post was so positive? I do share your bewilderment. But this is how it is. Up and down. But as I keep saying - to anyone who is still listening - I think that's probably normal. Isn't it ?

4 Weeks Post Op

I write this 4 weeks and one day after the big event and am now faced with a round up of the significant happenings of the last week.

I resisted photographing myself during the course of the week, preferring to wait until I had seen Dr Hussain on Saturday and hearing his verdict. It's difficult to know how one is ' doing ' with no direct comparisons and I have veered between a vigorous optimism to snivelling despair. He , as ever , was beamingly delighted.

At almost 4 weeks ( on Monday ) I could say that my face had begun to unfreeze and that the tingling sensation in my lip, cheek and nose ( strangely ) had increased , leaving me with greater movement and sensation. He was pleased, saying that this was ahead of schedule. He was also pleased with the healing of the scar and declared that the time had now come for the next stage .....


..... Which meant that I could now begin to massage the scar lightly and perform gentle stretching exercises of my face in order to increase blood flow to the wound, thus aiding a more speedy recovery. This should be done 3 times a day for 3 or 4 minutes at a time. There are lots of oils on the market to do this and it seems that  everyone swears by the preparation they used. Dr Hussain's view was that it didn't matter what emollient was applied - Dermatix ( a silicone based gel available on prescription or to buy at Boots or the like ), Bio Oil, Vitamin E or Vaseline . He said that it was the ACTION of the massage which yielded the results, not the oil, and that the majority of his colleagues agreed with this.

Dr Hussain described the tissue beneath the surface as being rather like cold plasticine .In order for movement to return ( and presumably to encourage sensation to return ), it needs to be manipulated and made more malleable . That's where the massage and face stretching comes in. By face stretching  I mean wrinkling the nose, opening the mouth wide, moving it from side to side. So glamorous !! I've been doing it in the car, much to my Husband's horror, but I'm a big fan of multi tasking, and let's face it, it's a better use of time than complaining about the endless roadworks or debating, again, about Household Cutbacks. If only I could add my pelvic floor exercises and get a pair of cymbals ( remember those toy monkeys ??!!) it really WOULD be time well spent. Profitable AND entertaining !

Right, well. I've gone off piste . Back to it.

I didn't register this but my Husband did. Apparently Dr Hussain said that at 4 weeks I could not damage the stitches. I did however read on the Dermatrix website that one should avoid extremes of heat and cold and of course , our dear friend, the Sun. To be frank, on the odd occasion that it has been cold my face has begun to smart so I've covered the wound  with a scarf by instinct . Also that same natural reaction has meant that my baths are cooler than usual and , pleasingly for my Husband, the thermostat has gone down a degree or two.

I asked about exercise and going back to yoga. Down dog and any movement which sends a flood of blood to the face is still a no. For at least another 4 weeks. Im Sad about that as I've really missed the stretching but I'm going to adapt, at home. He did say that the exercise bike was ok but I'm not a fan. Better to be outside and walk for me.

SPOTS . I have had a couple of small, white headed spots on the side of my nose which, if I'd been a fool, I could have burst with the use of a cotton bud. Which OBVIOUSLY ... I did , then hastily dabbed with Sudocrem. Dr Hussain said that this was fairly common ( not being a fool, I didn't confess to that ) . He said that the area around the dissolving stitches inside offer ' threw up ' a spot
but it was nothing to worry about . I did admit to the Sudocrem and that was fine. I won't be bursting
the spots again though.It made the skin sore and the  Sudocrem made my eyes smart on application and the massaging uncomfortable . Lesson learnt.

I decided that, as Bio Oil seemed to be popular, I would get some. Being me and never one for half measures, I bought a big bottle. Which was a mistake because I don't think my skin likes it at all. It went very red, as Dr Hussain said the area would with massaging, but in a stingy, irritated way.
These are the pictures from Sunday morning after several rounds of massaging.

I wasn't very happy on Sunday. Only a dog walk to Bolton Abbey would do and even then I felt very conscious of my face. Hence hiding behind Daisy.

Dr Hussain did say that I can put foundation and concealer over the wound now. I tried some of my Estée Lauder concealer stick but it was a bit too thin and felt uncomfortable . I've found an alternative but I'll cover that in the next blog.

So... I've given up on Bio Oil and will asking Boots for a refund - so brave am I - and I've asked for a prescription for Dermatix . I'll let you know.in the meantime it's back to Vaseline to massage and I've decided not to cover my scar unles it a VERY IMPORTANT OCCASION  and there's not many of them !

Here's me - 4 weeks to the day. Make up on but not on the scar. Liveable ??

New

 

 

 

 

3 Weeks Post Op

I am actually writing this the day after , as yesterday , I felt too bad. Even to talk to you. It was the hardest day , bar none, and I'm not sure why. The photographs show how I look and I'm so obviously on the mend but, to me, without the initial relief of being up and about and the first flush of gratitude that the incision had not been longer or more complex, fading, I just hated the way I look. There seemed no point wearing nice clothes and, venturing out to Waitrose ( on this occasion , yes, to return some mental boots I comfort bought, then returned ) , I felt that everyone was looking at me. I was worried that I might meet someone I knew , or worse, half knew, and that I'd have to explain what had happened or, worse again, not get the chance to explain what has happened. I couldn't meet anyone's eye, I felt rude but it was preferable to registering anyone else's reaction.

Out of proportion ? Deluded? Self important ? Probably, Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! But, there it is ... It has given me the ( smallest I appreciate ) insight to those with visible disabilities . And the enormous bravery required . I have more than a feeling that there are organisations which can help with this kind of adjustment and perhaps it's a mistake to think I wouldn't qualify for a listening ear because ( please God ) mine is temporary but I'm getting a grip and watching and waiting. 

Here's me looking extremely sorry for myself. Not helped by my poor old eyes who are still smarting at even a waft of Clinique .

 

A close up. I've chopped off my chin as a Friend kindly pointed out the need for a bit of electrolysis in an earlier photograph. It's not that I don't know... Just a matter of prioritising.  I could sod it and take up knitting and organic living and then I wouldn't need to bother

 

Week end

Honestly, it has become a major highlight to schlep down into town to The Nuffield to see Dr Hussain. I even got up early to blow dry my hair and, knowing that there would be another quick raid into the City Centre and that, this time, I'd have the reassuring presence of my Husband ( not often I'm heard to say THAT ) , I thought I'd dress up a bit. This pic has no bearing on my scar, whatsoever but I wanted you to see that I didn't spend my life make upless in Comfy leisure gear before this procedure and that I don't intend to sink into it permenantly anytime soon. I wanted to feel normal

Dr S is pleased with my progress and I felt able to ask about the procedure.  He explained that, in order to prevent my face being pulled in towards the centre of my face, ( to cover the hole made by taking out the cancerous tissue ), thus distorting my nose and lip, he needed to move the tissue from my cheek inwards, to underpin that gap in effect. This is done by loosening the layers of skin beneath the surface and then stitching them into place. So that they don't slide back. Is my understanding . Apparently , there were 4 or 5 of these stitches which will dissolve in time, including the ones in my

lip. Then there were 8 stitches on the surface which have now been removed.   

When I return next Saturday Dr H will show me how to massage the scar which , he warned me, would be uncomfortable and that many people, including me it seems, initially shrink from the prospect of touching it. If it's going to help the healing , I'm definitely up for it though. 

I have noticed that around the scar itself, which is a fine silver line, the skin is a reddy colour with the veins becoming increasingly prominent. I asked if there was anything I could do to minimise this. Particularly whether extremes of either hot or cold would have an adverse effect. The answer is no. That it is inevitable but that, in time, the veins should fade. There was a proper medical explanation but it seems I went deaf at that point, Sorry. I did listen sufficiently to glean that I was overdoing it a bit on the Vaseline and that a small amount, twice a day, was enough. Not my " Snail Trail " !!!

My face  manages to feel both sore and numb. The numbness extends up my cheek whereas it's my lip that is still very sore. I continue to feel a tingling and itching sensation but am assured that all this is normal. It can take up to 18 months for the nerves to settle back down although there is a possibility of permenant nerve damage. I'm not going there yet though. 90% was the usual recovery rate ... She says confidently ! I'll confirm that for next time.

Saturday I felt pleased. Sunday was a different matter. I had really wanted to go to the Vogue Centenary Exhibition in Manchester  but the day was a disaster . Since my operation my skin, hair and now my eyes seem to have become really dry and sensitive . We had to stop at Tesco to buy eye make up remover . Honestly, if I didn't feel like crying before I saw my self in the mirror of the Art Gallery Toilets , I certainly did afterwards. I looked like an extra from " Watership Down " , after myxomtosis had struck. Here's a picture in which I look utterly pretentious but, in reality, those glasses were essential. Too much sunlight and I was blinded . I think it was just seeing myself out of home that upset me. As others saw me which, in the grand scheme, isn't bad. I keep saying that to ward off you judging me as a whiner !! Believe me I do appreciate that it's all relative .

My youngest daughter was then was sick and fainted in the toilets and had to be moved to the car in a wheel chair . Period pain. All the glamour. Never has the M62 eastbound seemed more like the Yellow Brick Road. 

 

Days 16, 18 and 19

Not a lot of blogging this week but I have taken photographs of the scar as the week has unfolded. Which might help. Every single day there is a change.

Tuesday ( Day 16)

Thursday ( Day 18 )

This was the morning that I went into town - Leeds - on my own which, considering I have been out and about, was a big deal. I dithered around for ages , particularly about the need to add the steri strip to my lip. As you know, in my heart I don't feel it was truly necessary but it signalled me as someone recovering from an op , rather than ... What, someone with a ' permanent problem '? I need to reflect on that, don't I ?

Anyway, I made an effort ( photo included ) , I even  Instgrammed, and set off.  What I discovered was that, with friends and family I am comfortable having modified the way I speak and my facial expressions. I have needed to restrict movement so as not to create tension on my face, presumably because it pulls on the underlying scars. I hadn't appreciated just how animated I must normally be in my non verbal communication though because, when speaking to people in shops, I felt somehow frozen. Clear ? As mud ?? All I'm saying is that, perhaps if you didn't know me , you wouldn't notice, but I was aware that I wasn't firing on all my communication cylinders !! Oh, and I guess that the snail trail of Vaseline down my nose to my lip might have been an indicator too ...

After about an hour or so I was tired. Of town. Of the shops. Me ? Unheard of  ! There must be more going on than I'd appreciated and I'm going to ask Dr H later this morning what exactly has happened to my face. Where the stitches are, why it's still so tiring.


Friday ( Day 19 )

In the words of a Friend's Husband " Katherine, really, it's not so bad ... " . Now if that was a girlfriend one would be seething, counting the ways in which you never really liked them anyway, but , from a MAN, that is praise indeed.

As to how my face feels. It feels tight on the right side. I still can't smile properly without it pulling so applying blusher is sheer hell ! Joke ! I just have to turn up the corners of my mouth but the plus side is of course that there's no need for Botox, yet ! Actually, nothing has been funny enough to warrant a laugh since early August. Crying is a no too. The only way to do it is to turn one's mouth into a most unattractive letterbox shape which means only strangulated yips can escape . One glimpse of yourself looking and sounding like that is enough to make you desist . Oh yes, I've become quite the pragmatist as far as expressing myself is concerned.

Finally, bruising. Mostly gone, certainly the discolouration , although my cheek bone is still very pronounced. My lips are almost back to normal as the photos show with a little bruising . Nothing that Mac can't disguise .