Confidence

Despite all my positive self talk, this thing is affecting my confidence. I thought that, by now, I would have got over my urgent  preference to have someone with me when I venture out but, if anything, the feeling has gathered momentum. It hasn't yet stopped me going out solo but, if I don't get a grip, I fear it might.

It's not so bad in less populated places but, in Town today, I was overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked I saw reflections of myself. Multiple reproductions  of a weary looking woman with a big red mark on her face. Was I imagining it or did one Man's head whip round like a Halloween Ghoul , better to gawp ? I wanted to cry.

In Zara I spotted a ' frienemy' flicking through the rails. The shot of electricity which thrilled  through me, right to my fingers ends, took minutes to subside as I hastily retreated to the safety of next doors H&M. I felt diminished, exposed, reduced. Not myself. I don't like it. I am finding it hard to meet the eye of Shop Assistants and, on the occasions I do meet someone I know, I feel compelled to draw attention to my face almost immediately . It's like getting the first punch in.

Are you wondering how I can be saying this when the previous blog post was so positive? I do share your bewilderment. But this is how it is. Up and down. But as I keep saying - to anyone who is still listening - I think that's probably normal. Isn't it ?