5 1/2 weeks plus - back to work and out to Dinner.

I apologise for the delay in filling you on. The photos were taken but the instrument to translate them had gone ( child ) so I couldn't progress and I didn't think you'd want to hear from me without the pictures. Indeed it occurs to me that you might never read the text at all but flick straight to the illustrations - a kind of surgical 'Readers Wives' ! Anyway, truth be told, I'm writing this retrospectively . At just over 8 weeks and the view is even better from here but I do, of course, need to plot my journey, for both of us.

The first couple of photos were taken on the day before I returned to School for the morning. I was concerned that I'd volunteered to go back too soon and I did feel very emotional, welling up with tears in the face of the warm welcome and encouraging words I received. I pointed out my scar to everyone I encountered. The tension inside me, wondering what they were thinking, was too great not to. Another person might have handled things differently, perhaps with dignified silence, not inviting comment, but I know myself and the opinion of others, their validation mattered.

I had covered the scar with the M&S Amazing Concealer but , honestly, it was still too sore , and before long I'd rubbed it off, preferring the emollient properties of Vaseline. It was a good day. I was quietly proud of myself for getting back in the saddle and putting my face back on but I have to say, it was exhausting . I guess a major triumph was the fact that not one child mentioned my scar .And believe me, if they had noticed, they would certainly have made comment. Pretty good for just over 5 weeks.

It was one thing to brave a class of 5 year olds, quite another to make Parents Evening for my 15 year  old that night. My husband went as by 5 o' clock my courage had left me along with my energy.

These last 3 photos are taken on Saturday 12th November , almost 6 weeks after the operation. No make up and looking a bit sorry for myself but the scar itself has begun to flatten by this stage and the lump in my lip, presumably where the stitch has yet to dissolve , has reduced somewhat. I feel less clumsy eating now and in  just a few days the skin over the scar can tolerate foundation and concealer. 

To celebrate we go out to dinner - to Rudding Park. It's the first time I have felt like bothering to make the effort and genuinely believed that no one would know what I'd had done unless they truly scrutinised me. I don't have full sensation back in my cheek , lip or the side of my nose, but the mobility is back and, as my dear old Dad would say, feel almost human !

5 Weeks Post Op

These photos were taken on Saturday morning , so not quite 5 weeks after the procedure. I decided to have a play with the concealer around the edges but something still shrinks from covering the scar itself with that product - it feels too heavy duty - so I just used some Clinique Foundation.  It's still noticeable, for sure, but , unless I deceive myself, it's not all THAT noticeable, at a distance.

I am feeling guilty, again, for not being pleased, for not being grateful, but I'm afraid my thoughts still slip back into the ' I don't like it ', 'It's not fair ' mode. I want to wake up and be me again , when my first thought is not my face and my first  action is not to leap up and look at it in the mirror.

I'm obviously pleased when friends and family comment that it's doing well but am wildly irritated to hear them  say that it's ' barely noticeable '. ' hardly anything', that ' you'd never know ' . Try it on your own face and then see how blasé you feel ! Actually, I think they are losing patience with me. The allotted time for sympathy is clearly up and they've moved on from " Be nice to Mum, a horrid thing has happened ". So, sorry, but my only outlet is here , thus revealing myself as a not very nice, and very self indulgent person.

 

In a fit of positivity - and I am mostly positive, it's just more therapeutic to write when feeling down -   I contacted School to say that I felt ready to return . I do a bit of supply work as a TA in a lovely Primary School and , after meeting one of my colleagues, whose company I miss, I decided I was up to it. Only I'm not sure anymore. I am still very wobbly when meeting friends and acquaintances who haven't seen me since the operation. I want to be upbeat, but my eyes keep forgetting the plan, and start leaking !! Anyway , Thursday it is, and I won't give back word, so I'd better get my story straight and start thinking more Helen Keller less Cowardly Lion !! Actually, when you think of it, there's not a single disadvantaged ( let's call it ) character in fiction who isn't portrayed as feisty and brave is there ? No one would want to read about a miserable one would they ? There's a thought . No wonder it's a strain to keep cheerful, knowing a hardy and sanguine outlook is the very minimum required !

I bet you're thinking ' Jeez ' , get over yourself. I will. I am. Just venting . 

Reporting back on the Dermatix. I've not had a reaction to it but , for massaging, I still prefer Vaseline, which then has to be removed before I put the Dermatix on. I'm doing the facial exercises but, despite reassurances from Dr H, I'm terrified that I'm stretching the scar. Also the scar is stinging more recently which puts me off disturbing it . I dare not disobey orders though, so plough on.

Well, apologies for the misery fest. I'm blaming it on it being Monday. 

Random Recommendations !

Just a quickie because I want to post my most recent photos to try and reassure a reader of the blog who I have talked to on the Macmillan forum and who is due to have her BCC removed very shortly. Like me and probably like all of us , as the date approaches her anxiety has increased. Sandra, this is for you. 

On the recommendation of a friend  and that of the Beauty Correspondent with The Times, I bought this Amazing Concealer. A somewhat hubris laden name but, in this case, it is , actually rather good. I bought mine from M&S ( with 20% off with my Sparks card ) . It did cover my scar really well and I'm sure that I will use it in a week or two ( at £29.50 for 15ml damn right I will ) but, frankly, at the moment, at only 4 weeks, my skin still feels too sensitive to wear this all the time.  There is a 6 ml tube for £19.50 which I should perhaps have bought before leaping in with the big investment but.. I'm that kind of girl. All or nothing ! It will do for under my eyes until such time as my wound can take it. The picture in the leopard print coat shows me wearing it and, although I appreciate its at a distance, I do think you would struggle to see anything going on on my face.

For most  of my adult life I have used sunscreen. Ironic . And unfair. Even before my diagnosis I wore an SPF under my moisturiser but many are heavy or chalky, leaving a sticky , white residue. I've tried loads. I like Kiels Factor 50 sunscreen which doesn't affect your foundation . The make I'm using at the moment and which I truly love - light and silky - is FREZYDERM SECOND SKIN FACTOR 50. It's not cheap - around £20 but I bought a tube which I used , constantly , for a 2 week holiday in Greece in August, and virtually every day since and I've still got loads left.

 

Finally, a picture of me with the Amazing Concealer on before going out on Wednesday. I actually took it off not long after but you can see that it is effective.

 

<

Confidence

Despite all my positive self talk, this thing is affecting my confidence. I thought that, by now, I would have got over my urgent  preference to have someone with me when I venture out but, if anything, the feeling has gathered momentum. It hasn't yet stopped me going out solo but, if I don't get a grip, I fear it might.

It's not so bad in less populated places but, in Town today, I was overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked I saw reflections of myself. Multiple reproductions  of a weary looking woman with a big red mark on her face. Was I imagining it or did one Man's head whip round like a Halloween Ghoul , better to gawp ? I wanted to cry.

In Zara I spotted a ' frienemy' flicking through the rails. The shot of electricity which thrilled  through me, right to my fingers ends, took minutes to subside as I hastily retreated to the safety of next doors H&M. I felt diminished, exposed, reduced. Not myself. I don't like it. I am finding it hard to meet the eye of Shop Assistants and, on the occasions I do meet someone I know, I feel compelled to draw attention to my face almost immediately . It's like getting the first punch in.

Are you wondering how I can be saying this when the previous blog post was so positive? I do share your bewilderment. But this is how it is. Up and down. But as I keep saying - to anyone who is still listening - I think that's probably normal. Isn't it ?

4 Weeks Post Op

I write this 4 weeks and one day after the big event and am now faced with a round up of the significant happenings of the last week.

I resisted photographing myself during the course of the week, preferring to wait until I had seen Dr Hussain on Saturday and hearing his verdict. It's difficult to know how one is ' doing ' with no direct comparisons and I have veered between a vigorous optimism to snivelling despair. He , as ever , was beamingly delighted.

At almost 4 weeks ( on Monday ) I could say that my face had begun to unfreeze and that the tingling sensation in my lip, cheek and nose ( strangely ) had increased , leaving me with greater movement and sensation. He was pleased, saying that this was ahead of schedule. He was also pleased with the healing of the scar and declared that the time had now come for the next stage .....


..... Which meant that I could now begin to massage the scar lightly and perform gentle stretching exercises of my face in order to increase blood flow to the wound, thus aiding a more speedy recovery. This should be done 3 times a day for 3 or 4 minutes at a time. There are lots of oils on the market to do this and it seems that  everyone swears by the preparation they used. Dr Hussain's view was that it didn't matter what emollient was applied - Dermatix ( a silicone based gel available on prescription or to buy at Boots or the like ), Bio Oil, Vitamin E or Vaseline . He said that it was the ACTION of the massage which yielded the results, not the oil, and that the majority of his colleagues agreed with this.

Dr Hussain described the tissue beneath the surface as being rather like cold plasticine .In order for movement to return ( and presumably to encourage sensation to return ), it needs to be manipulated and made more malleable . That's where the massage and face stretching comes in. By face stretching  I mean wrinkling the nose, opening the mouth wide, moving it from side to side. So glamorous !! I've been doing it in the car, much to my Husband's horror, but I'm a big fan of multi tasking, and let's face it, it's a better use of time than complaining about the endless roadworks or debating, again, about Household Cutbacks. If only I could add my pelvic floor exercises and get a pair of cymbals ( remember those toy monkeys ??!!) it really WOULD be time well spent. Profitable AND entertaining !

Right, well. I've gone off piste . Back to it.

I didn't register this but my Husband did. Apparently Dr Hussain said that at 4 weeks I could not damage the stitches. I did however read on the Dermatrix website that one should avoid extremes of heat and cold and of course , our dear friend, the Sun. To be frank, on the odd occasion that it has been cold my face has begun to smart so I've covered the wound  with a scarf by instinct . Also that same natural reaction has meant that my baths are cooler than usual and , pleasingly for my Husband, the thermostat has gone down a degree or two.

I asked about exercise and going back to yoga. Down dog and any movement which sends a flood of blood to the face is still a no. For at least another 4 weeks. Im Sad about that as I've really missed the stretching but I'm going to adapt, at home. He did say that the exercise bike was ok but I'm not a fan. Better to be outside and walk for me.

SPOTS . I have had a couple of small, white headed spots on the side of my nose which, if I'd been a fool, I could have burst with the use of a cotton bud. Which OBVIOUSLY ... I did , then hastily dabbed with Sudocrem. Dr Hussain said that this was fairly common ( not being a fool, I didn't confess to that ) . He said that the area around the dissolving stitches inside offer ' threw up ' a spot
but it was nothing to worry about . I did admit to the Sudocrem and that was fine. I won't be bursting
the spots again though.It made the skin sore and the  Sudocrem made my eyes smart on application and the massaging uncomfortable . Lesson learnt.

I decided that, as Bio Oil seemed to be popular, I would get some. Being me and never one for half measures, I bought a big bottle. Which was a mistake because I don't think my skin likes it at all. It went very red, as Dr Hussain said the area would with massaging, but in a stingy, irritated way.
These are the pictures from Sunday morning after several rounds of massaging.

I wasn't very happy on Sunday. Only a dog walk to Bolton Abbey would do and even then I felt very conscious of my face. Hence hiding behind Daisy.

Dr Hussain did say that I can put foundation and concealer over the wound now. I tried some of my Estée Lauder concealer stick but it was a bit too thin and felt uncomfortable . I've found an alternative but I'll cover that in the next blog.

So... I've given up on Bio Oil and will asking Boots for a refund - so brave am I - and I've asked for a prescription for Dermatix . I'll let you know.in the meantime it's back to Vaseline to massage and I've decided not to cover my scar unles it a VERY IMPORTANT OCCASION  and there's not many of them !

Here's me - 4 weeks to the day. Make up on but not on the scar. Liveable ??