3 Months Post Op

It is 3 months  to the day since I had the basal cell carcinoma removed.  What seemed as though it would be the end of myself as I knew me has not, in fact, turned out that way at all. I do have a scar, as you can see but it is one which is fading and which I am beginning to assimilate into my image of myself. It is no longer the violent, demanding, scribble, but a patiently waiting ghost which, although still needs my care, I can administer to with tolerance and some kindness.



Picture with no make up. Face to the window, in full light.

 

The sadness is still there. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I'd rather not be the woman with the scar ' you can barely see' , the topic of comment or scrutiny but , ultimately I guess, one has to resign oneself to the situation as it is, And it could have been so much worse. No, turn that around. Considering what needed to be done, what I have been saved from, what you need to be saved from, it is AMAZING. 

The scar itself, with concealer is barely visible but I have 2 very very small breaks in the skin, scratches really, which smart if I put any foundation on so, unless it really matters, I leave it off.


Picture with a small amount of foundation. But angled close to the light for "worst possible " look!

 

I have also found that the Dermatix irritates those areas and that I have broken veins around the scar which in some ways, on my most fussy and ungrateful days, upset me more than the scar. I know that there are procedures , later , which can correct this but, I'm not sure my pockets are that deep. Yet. I always have a plan. I apply the Dermatix with a cotton bud only to the scar itself now, avoiding any other skin.

The only other thing I wanted to say is that getting over this op and reconciling to the new you is very much like the grieving process. And I do speak from experience. It occurred to me that, after a certain period of time other people lose patience with you referencing your loss. They want you to be feeling better about this, to move on, to be positive and not to mention the days when you are unhappy about the way things look and the way things were. They do not want to listen to you rehearse the way you felt when you heard your diagnosis , when the stitches came out, whatever. Those details we hang onto when we lose someone and, in a similar way, I suggest, they are important to us in this situation. There isn't a solution. Just recognising the pattern made me feel a little better.

 

Oh, I've got maudlin. I'll stop. I hope you are encouraged by the photos. I just wish they were a better quality.  The last, last thing, when you're caught up in this, as you so rightly will be, is that, just as you're focussing on you, someone else will need you. With a bigger problem. And, because you  must, there is no choice, you will forget yourself, and haul youself off to the rescue. You can't even enjoy a basal cell carnonoma in peace !


Happy Picture. At a distance, it really is hard to tell.

 

Today Weds 30th Nov

Some photos of the scar progressing .

The Scar during the 7th week

At the end of the 6 th week I had been brewing a hideous , yellow spot, bang in the middle of the scar line. It was yellow and raised and the kind of pustule one might find in a joke shop on the front in Scarborough, nestling amongst the plastic, curling, doggy doo. Horrible and depressing. It took all my self discipline not to squeeze it and, eventually it did subside, although it has left a red mark. I now know that I should have gone to see Dr Hussain. At my recent appointment ( I write this retrospectively ) he told me he would have lanced it with a sterile needle and he gave me two, in case it filled again. 

This second picture is taken 5 days after the first, just over 7 weeks after the op, and you can see that it has gone down.Thank heavens. In that time I had been rather busy on the face front though. I'm deliberating whether to share this but.... whatever, I am who I am, and I won't judge  if you don't ! Anyway... I had some Botox . No point being wrinkly and scarred was my thinking and I'm afraid that the anxiety of all the preceding weeks had taken a toll and whoever gave the name ' laughter lines ' was seriously deluded, at least in my case , as I hadn't so much as cracked a smile in weeks , but unfortunately my face didn't seem to care about that- it was concertinering up like a good ' un. 

I saw the serene and Royal Highness of all things Aesthetic , Dr Julia Sevi in Leeds and, just talking to her, immediately felt better. 

Dr Julia suggested a course of LED Phototherapy which amongst many things magical ( increased hydration, advanced anti aging, reducing pigmentation, soothing redness and pigmentation ), also promises scar reduction and prevention. I really, really can't afford it but I felt I really really couldn't afford not to . I have vowed to work as many hours as possible and and and I've run out of justification. £350 for 8 20 minute sessions under a light. Pleeeese say you can see the results. That it's not just my bank balance which is lighter, but my scar too! Well, we will soon see.

 

Any improvement ??

Quick trip to town at nearly 8 weeks .

5 1/2 weeks plus - back to work and out to Dinner.

I apologise for the delay in filling you on. The photos were taken but the instrument to translate them had gone ( child ) so I couldn't progress and I didn't think you'd want to hear from me without the pictures. Indeed it occurs to me that you might never read the text at all but flick straight to the illustrations - a kind of surgical 'Readers Wives' ! Anyway, truth be told, I'm writing this retrospectively . At just over 8 weeks and the view is even better from here but I do, of course, need to plot my journey, for both of us.

The first couple of photos were taken on the day before I returned to School for the morning. I was concerned that I'd volunteered to go back too soon and I did feel very emotional, welling up with tears in the face of the warm welcome and encouraging words I received. I pointed out my scar to everyone I encountered. The tension inside me, wondering what they were thinking, was too great not to. Another person might have handled things differently, perhaps with dignified silence, not inviting comment, but I know myself and the opinion of others, their validation mattered.

I had covered the scar with the M&S Amazing Concealer but , honestly, it was still too sore , and before long I'd rubbed it off, preferring the emollient properties of Vaseline. It was a good day. I was quietly proud of myself for getting back in the saddle and putting my face back on but I have to say, it was exhausting . I guess a major triumph was the fact that not one child mentioned my scar .And believe me, if they had noticed, they would certainly have made comment. Pretty good for just over 5 weeks.

It was one thing to brave a class of 5 year olds, quite another to make Parents Evening for my 15 year  old that night. My husband went as by 5 o' clock my courage had left me along with my energy.

These last 3 photos are taken on Saturday 12th November , almost 6 weeks after the operation. No make up and looking a bit sorry for myself but the scar itself has begun to flatten by this stage and the lump in my lip, presumably where the stitch has yet to dissolve , has reduced somewhat. I feel less clumsy eating now and in  just a few days the skin over the scar can tolerate foundation and concealer. 

To celebrate we go out to dinner - to Rudding Park. It's the first time I have felt like bothering to make the effort and genuinely believed that no one would know what I'd had done unless they truly scrutinised me. I don't have full sensation back in my cheek , lip or the side of my nose, but the mobility is back and, as my dear old Dad would say, feel almost human !

5 Weeks Post Op

These photos were taken on Saturday morning , so not quite 5 weeks after the procedure. I decided to have a play with the concealer around the edges but something still shrinks from covering the scar itself with that product - it feels too heavy duty - so I just used some Clinique Foundation.  It's still noticeable, for sure, but , unless I deceive myself, it's not all THAT noticeable, at a distance.

I am feeling guilty, again, for not being pleased, for not being grateful, but I'm afraid my thoughts still slip back into the ' I don't like it ', 'It's not fair ' mode. I want to wake up and be me again , when my first thought is not my face and my first  action is not to leap up and look at it in the mirror.

I'm obviously pleased when friends and family comment that it's doing well but am wildly irritated to hear them  say that it's ' barely noticeable '. ' hardly anything', that ' you'd never know ' . Try it on your own face and then see how blasé you feel ! Actually, I think they are losing patience with me. The allotted time for sympathy is clearly up and they've moved on from " Be nice to Mum, a horrid thing has happened ". So, sorry, but my only outlet is here , thus revealing myself as a not very nice, and very self indulgent person.

 

In a fit of positivity - and I am mostly positive, it's just more therapeutic to write when feeling down -   I contacted School to say that I felt ready to return . I do a bit of supply work as a TA in a lovely Primary School and , after meeting one of my colleagues, whose company I miss, I decided I was up to it. Only I'm not sure anymore. I am still very wobbly when meeting friends and acquaintances who haven't seen me since the operation. I want to be upbeat, but my eyes keep forgetting the plan, and start leaking !! Anyway , Thursday it is, and I won't give back word, so I'd better get my story straight and start thinking more Helen Keller less Cowardly Lion !! Actually, when you think of it, there's not a single disadvantaged ( let's call it ) character in fiction who isn't portrayed as feisty and brave is there ? No one would want to read about a miserable one would they ? There's a thought . No wonder it's a strain to keep cheerful, knowing a hardy and sanguine outlook is the very minimum required !

I bet you're thinking ' Jeez ' , get over yourself. I will. I am. Just venting . 

Reporting back on the Dermatix. I've not had a reaction to it but , for massaging, I still prefer Vaseline, which then has to be removed before I put the Dermatix on. I'm doing the facial exercises but, despite reassurances from Dr H, I'm terrified that I'm stretching the scar. Also the scar is stinging more recently which puts me off disturbing it . I dare not disobey orders though, so plough on.

Well, apologies for the misery fest. I'm blaming it on it being Monday. 

Random Recommendations !

Just a quickie because I want to post my most recent photos to try and reassure a reader of the blog who I have talked to on the Macmillan forum and who is due to have her BCC removed very shortly. Like me and probably like all of us , as the date approaches her anxiety has increased. Sandra, this is for you. 

On the recommendation of a friend  and that of the Beauty Correspondent with The Times, I bought this Amazing Concealer. A somewhat hubris laden name but, in this case, it is , actually rather good. I bought mine from M&S ( with 20% off with my Sparks card ) . It did cover my scar really well and I'm sure that I will use it in a week or two ( at £29.50 for 15ml damn right I will ) but, frankly, at the moment, at only 4 weeks, my skin still feels too sensitive to wear this all the time.  There is a 6 ml tube for £19.50 which I should perhaps have bought before leaping in with the big investment but.. I'm that kind of girl. All or nothing ! It will do for under my eyes until such time as my wound can take it. The picture in the leopard print coat shows me wearing it and, although I appreciate its at a distance, I do think you would struggle to see anything going on on my face.

For most  of my adult life I have used sunscreen. Ironic . And unfair. Even before my diagnosis I wore an SPF under my moisturiser but many are heavy or chalky, leaving a sticky , white residue. I've tried loads. I like Kiels Factor 50 sunscreen which doesn't affect your foundation . The make I'm using at the moment and which I truly love - light and silky - is FREZYDERM SECOND SKIN FACTOR 50. It's not cheap - around £20 but I bought a tube which I used , constantly , for a 2 week holiday in Greece in August, and virtually every day since and I've still got loads left.

 

Finally, a picture of me with the Amazing Concealer on before going out on Wednesday. I actually took it off not long after but you can see that it is effective.

 

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Confidence

Despite all my positive self talk, this thing is affecting my confidence. I thought that, by now, I would have got over my urgent  preference to have someone with me when I venture out but, if anything, the feeling has gathered momentum. It hasn't yet stopped me going out solo but, if I don't get a grip, I fear it might.

It's not so bad in less populated places but, in Town today, I was overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked I saw reflections of myself. Multiple reproductions  of a weary looking woman with a big red mark on her face. Was I imagining it or did one Man's head whip round like a Halloween Ghoul , better to gawp ? I wanted to cry.

In Zara I spotted a ' frienemy' flicking through the rails. The shot of electricity which thrilled  through me, right to my fingers ends, took minutes to subside as I hastily retreated to the safety of next doors H&M. I felt diminished, exposed, reduced. Not myself. I don't like it. I am finding it hard to meet the eye of Shop Assistants and, on the occasions I do meet someone I know, I feel compelled to draw attention to my face almost immediately . It's like getting the first punch in.

Are you wondering how I can be saying this when the previous blog post was so positive? I do share your bewilderment. But this is how it is. Up and down. But as I keep saying - to anyone who is still listening - I think that's probably normal. Isn't it ?